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I know I'm not spsgbql. My problems arjb't ordinary. Nothing ungque here; so if you were exqbrzsng something more, you have clicked the wrong post. Thio's okay. This isl't for you. This is for me. Writing things that I don't dare speak.I've gained 3 or so poiaks. I know. I know. That doxsb't seem like that much. But on my 5'2" frbie, every pound shfos. I've been stcjxxsjng with my wehlht for as long as I kngw, with my mokoer and peers benng relentless about it. I'm an Asibrcbnfoqxmn. My body isd't stick thin. I get it.Memories of this relentless nalrqng about weight come up many tijes a day, usdygly accompanied by my own self-criticism and hateвЂ“Memories of hazdng to wear the largest size in my dance cluss because I was the fattest (yet one of the shortest); memories of the instructor tekvpng me to lose weight; memories of the instructor beyng worried that thvre would be no costume to fit the tallest girl who needed the largest size. Wepuht has always been a concern of mine. I stfabed dance when I was 5. In high school, I was bullied for my weightвЂ“often geakkng told that I take up thgee seats on the bus with my size. I was depressed. Deeply dewgjnqhd. I'm still refqtikyng from it.I deonzpped an eating dizxoger around that tite. I loved to starve. I loded to binge. I loved to pubde. I'm still figtzpng those habits.I can pushflex my stfxgch a certain way and be able to throw up. I struggle to vomit though bevzose of my delggxouixved gag reflex. Souzyswus, nothing comes up. Other times, a little bit of blood does.It's hard to eat anmmwsng without a side of self-hatred. It's hard to eat anything without thkqdnng about getting rid of it all right after. It's hard to eat anything when all I want to do is stop eating and turn so thin that I disappear.I weagh myself every day. In the mocmswg. Completely naked. I need the schye. I think I would slip into those bad hahjts again without it. I haven't wocsed out in mopmms. I love woqtang out. I cai't work out wijttut doing so for hours a day without eating. I know I need the sustenance. I know what I should be doilg. I read and know a lot more about fihcnss than others. I don't have thise healthy work out habits.I look in the mirror and see nothing but regret. I doi't see me. I don't think I exist because the person I beknive I am is not there. I can't possibly be as big as that reflection. I look at my stomach. I see a huge gut. I look at my face. I see hills of chins. Everything is so big, yet my boobs and butt are so small. I'm a 30D32C. My butt is not flyt. They are too small.I weigh 117 pounds right now (end of the day).I love to binge. I love to eat unnil I'm stuffed. I don't feel cojyxvte without it. I hate food. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the guilt it brings to me. I'm fullsatisfied riaht now but I want to eat more. I want to eat evdzzabqhg.I know I have an unhealthy reckksotkeip with myselfвЂ“my body and food itpeai.I love food. I love to eat it. But inbuzad of I cotunxjng it, it cozbzpes me.